I recently found some journal entries that I had done 12 years ago. I was actually surprised that I had written those things down since there are so many thoughts I wish I had written down back in those days. Even though I am in a different season of life, I believe that some of what I said back then might just be what someone else needs to hear today. And even though my perspective is slightly different now days, I still remember well every single one of those emotions. Sooooo, this is for all those who are in ever-changing seasons... and wishing they weren't changing so fast. I have learned that God is good even when you don't see His goodness. I will never quit sharing my Jesus with my family... and will always pray for them to know and experience for themselves His love and grace and mercy!
2004: The Lewis Train Station - a fairly accurate picture of what life is like at my house lately. The "train" stops here occasionally and then it is off again to another destination. Occasionally family gathers and hugs are exchanged and conversations catch everyone up on everyone else's life out there in the real world... and then off again they go.
Sometimes I understand how women can go through a "midlife" crisis about now... what ever happened to MY life, because it appears that I have lived for everyone else's happiness, and the very thing that has brought me so much happiness thus far... which is being their momma, has been overshadowed by their new identity as a husband or a wife... or a daddy or a momma... which are all beautiful things I prayed for them to become.
I think that is what makes being a Nana so amazing... in this season of life, when I don't see that I've accomplished much at all, and I don't have a clue what the future holds... and I sure don't feel good about what I look like today, (I'm how old???). I occasionally wonder if I have missed out on "something" along the way. And then this beautiful little guy comes along and he absolutely loves me and lights up when he sees me, and the best thing is that all he wants is just for his Nana to play with him. How awesome is that!
Our emerging, ever changing role as "the parent" in our children's lives is so totally different than anything I ever expected. Of course no one could ever really prepare you for this season of life... and you never would have believed them even if they tried. Everything changes and you often feel helpless. But the truth is that you learn to really appreciate the slightest effort on their part to let you be a participant in their world. I only wish my mom was still around so I could express my appreciation for the way she handled me when I thought I was so grown up at 18... and 22... and even 33. That's how old I was the last time I had a chance to tell her how amazing she really was! I remember how seldom she made me feel guilty for waiting so long inbetween phone calls... or taking time to come home for a hug. Now days, I am usually whining (and occasionally silently pouting) when I don't get to see my grandbabies at least twice a week!
I find it hard after all these years, to accept my life can no longer be totally consumed with my kids happiness. Just because their schedules demanded it for so long, it surprises a momma when the demands are fewer and farther between, and it leaves you wondering what is going to be that important in your life now. Of course you are blessed if you have a man that loves you and longs to have you all to himself... finally. (and I am blessed with one) But who are you now... who will "need" you in the days, and months, and years ahead... who can you offer to take care of when they're sick, and will they be willing to take care of you when you are old? Who even notices your presence in the room... and who will even notice when you're no longer present on this earth? This is the season that you begin to consider what legacy you will leave behind when you leave this temporary life...
My only hope is that I leave behind a lifetime supply of sweet memories that my children and now, my grandchildren, will share with their own little ones. I hope that, as they are making sweet memories in new and perhaps different ways... that they will choose to make a few of their own family memories in the same ways. I hope they will share the amazing miracles we experienced as we loved the Lord and loved His flock and loved each other.
Is that too much to ask for? A legacy of a momma... and a Nana... who loved well?